Busted! Pipedream Crush Darling Review

None of us walk into the sex toy world already knowing what we want. We make mistakes, buy products that don’t work for us and inevitably are disappointed when the toy doesn’t work for us. I am no different. My first vibrator looks exactly like what you would expect from a paranoid young adult only just learning about sex. I was lucky enough that I had done enough research on what would be safe for my body, so I didn’t buy any toxic materials, having been lucky enough to find Dangerous Lilly’s blog before I bought any toys. But nonetheless, this is a review I have been meaning to write. The first vibrator I ever bought was a sugary pink insertable that I bought from SheVibe for thirty dollars. It was called the Crush Darling and I was enamored of it, feeling secure in the knowledge that after extensive research on safe materials and after combing through the glut of vibrators that SheVibe offered that I had found the perfect first vibrator. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t. What I had found was something that would frustrate and annoy me to no end, make me question my body and vibrators in general and light a fire in me to find something better.

In writing the description of this toy, I find myself stumbling upon a bunch of insidious little buzzwords. Reading it, you might not know that it’s an overpriced trap for newbies. Busted! Review Photo 1It’s made of body safe materials, like ABS plastic and silicone. The shape is bland, featuring a mildly contoured shaft that makes the vibrator look vaguely like a rosebud. With an insertable length of 5.25 inches and a maximum girth of 1.1 inches, it’s very tiny. A more charitable person might argue this itty bitty size and bland shape makes it a tame introduction to insertables. I am not that person. It takes two AA batteries and it’s waterproof. Like most basic vibrators, it has three steady intensities and seven patterns. My cynical theory is that this is so they could write it has ten functions on the ad copy. But no matter how innocuous this vibrator seems, no matter how inoffensive and beginner friendly, it cannot mask how it feels in use.

Let’s cut to the chase: this vibrator, my very first, was hot garbage. Nothing about it worked for my body. The vibrations were sharp, surface level and extremely buzzy. As I scrolled up the settings, it felt increasingly like it was trying to sand my clit off. I mashed it desperately against my vulva in the hopes of getting off before I went numb, holding it to the favored side of my clit. But increased pressure did nothing to allay the oncoming numbness of my genitals and every time I went away from it unsatisfied and sans orgasm. The noise it made was high pitched and sharp as well, as though I were trying to get myself off with a large and increasingly angry wasp, disconcerting when you’re trying to get lost in your fantasy. Internally, the vibrations felt worse. They were jarring and distracting and very unsatisfying. The one redeeming feature I found was with the vibrations turned off that it eased my way into penetration from larger toys, as the smooth texture and minuscule girth made it easy to insert with a minimum of fuss, though not any pleasure. However, at this point I already had a small dildo I could use, so it quickly fell by the wayside and gathered dust. In writing the review for this post, I used the Crush Darling a few more times to verify its awfulness. It is exactly as I remember it being, and my later sessions with it mirror my first: distressing, uncomfortable and numbing.

If you like numbing your genitals, bland insertable toys and the color pink, you’ll also like this toy. But if you want something that actually feels good, you’ll steer clear of this toy, who’s only silver lining is that it isn’t made out of toxic materials. But for less money, more pleasurable vibrations and a vibrator that’s not pink, the Turbo Glider does all of that while costing less money. You can find both the Crush Darling and the Turbo Glider at SheVibe.


Turbo Glider Review

The story of how I got the Turbo Glider is a little embarrassing. I originally got the Turbo Glider as a toy to tide me over until I got my Mystic Wand replacement, since my first Mystic Wand actually caught fire when I put the batteries in wrong. It was a rookie mistake, but luckily the company was kind enough to send a free replacement. However, I was too libidinous to wait the extra week, so I drove down to my local sex store and picked up the Turbo Glider to hold me over until the delivery. I know, it sounds a little bit like the Turbo Glider is in the shadow of the Mystic Wand. But I’m here to say that these are two very different sex toys and the Turbo Glider has its own qualities that make it a worthy toy and is more than worth the fifteen dollars I paid for it.

The Turbo Glider is made out of blue ABS plastic and has a kind of futuristic look to it. It seriously reminds me of Doctor Who, which would appeal to the sci-fi nerds among us. It’s a little more than 6 inches long and about 1.2 inches thick at the thickest part of it. The transparency of the plastic allows you to see the vibrator mechanisms in action, which I think is very entertaining. The Turbo Glider takes two AA batteries and the battery compartment is simple. Twist off the bottom, drop in the batteries and twist the bottom back on. The Turbo Glider doesn’t have any buttons on it since you control the speed with the bottom twist cap. The Turbo Glider is also waterproof, which I verified through hopefully discreet showertime jack off sessions at college.

As for the feel of it, oh it was far better than anticipated. At this pricepoint, I had been expecting something much weaker, perhaps erring on the side of caution after the first vibrator I ever bought turned out to be a flop. I am pleased to confirm what everyone else is saying about the Turbo Glider: it has titanic power for something with two AA batteries. The way that I end up using it most is either firmly pressing the bloopy tip to my clitoris or by laying it flat so more of my labia can get in on the action and so my clit feels less overwhelmed. The vibrations are strong, but it is important to note that these are buzzy vibrations, which means that I start to get numb if the vibrator is on high or left in place too long. I solve the numbness issue usually by using a lower setting and by circling my clit rather than leaving it stationary, much in the way that I do when I masturbate manually. While the shape looks cool and seems like it might be fun internally, I felt more the thickness of it than anything else. With no curve and strong but buzzy vibrations, it’s best used externally.

The vibrator has very few problems with it, with the only one I can think of being that the speed dial makes it such that I can accidentally change the speed without meaning to. However, I’ve never accidentally untwisted the cap during masturbation and there are few other features to critique.

In all, I would call this a darling vibrator. It’s simple and no frills, but it gets the job done with a minimum of fuss, is body safe and importantly, it fits almost any budget as it’s under $20! I highly recommend anyone looking to get their first vibrator try the Turbo Glider.