Busted! Pipedream Crush Darling Review

None of us walk into the sex toy world already knowing what we want. We make mistakes, buy products that don’t work for us and inevitably are disappointed when the toy doesn’t work for us. I am no different. My first vibrator looks exactly like what you would expect from a paranoid young adult only just learning about sex. I was lucky enough that I had done enough research on what would be safe for my body, so I didn’t buy any toxic materials, having been lucky enough to find Dangerous Lilly’s blog before I bought any toys. But nonetheless, this is a review I have been meaning to write. The first vibrator I ever bought was a sugary pink insertable that I bought from SheVibe for thirty dollars. It was called the Crush Darling and I was enamored of it, feeling secure in the knowledge that after extensive research on safe materials and after combing through the glut of vibrators that SheVibe offered that I had found the perfect first vibrator. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t. What I had found was something that would frustrate and annoy me to no end, make me question my body and vibrators in general and light a fire in me to find something better.

In writing the description of this toy, I find myself stumbling upon a bunch of insidious little buzzwords. Reading it, you might not know that it’s an overpriced trap for newbies. Busted! Review Photo 1It’s made of body safe materials, like ABS plastic and silicone. The shape is bland, featuring a mildly contoured shaft that makes the vibrator look vaguely like a rosebud. With an insertable length of 5.25 inches and a maximum girth of 1.1 inches, it’s very tiny. A more charitable person might argue this itty bitty size and bland shape makes it a tame introduction to insertables. I am not that person. It takes two AA batteries and it’s waterproof. Like most basic vibrators, it has three steady intensities and seven patterns. My cynical theory is that this is so they could write it has ten functions on the ad copy. But no matter how innocuous this vibrator seems, no matter how inoffensive and beginner friendly, it cannot mask how it feels in use.

Let’s cut to the chase: this vibrator, my very first, was hot garbage. Nothing about it worked for my body. The vibrations were sharp, surface level and extremely buzzy. As I scrolled up the settings, it felt increasingly like it was trying to sand my clit off. I mashed it desperately against my vulva in the hopes of getting off before I went numb, holding it to the favored side of my clit. But increased pressure did nothing to allay the oncoming numbness of my genitals and every time I went away from it unsatisfied and sans orgasm. The noise it made was high pitched and sharp as well, as though I were trying to get myself off with a large and increasingly angry wasp, disconcerting when you’re trying to get lost in your fantasy. Internally, the vibrations felt worse. They were jarring and distracting and very unsatisfying. The one redeeming feature I found was with the vibrations turned off that it eased my way into penetration from larger toys, as the smooth texture and minuscule girth made it easy to insert with a minimum of fuss, though not any pleasure. However, at this point I already had a small dildo I could use, so it quickly fell by the wayside and gathered dust. In writing the review for this post, I used the Crush Darling a few more times to verify its awfulness. It is exactly as I remember it being, and my later sessions with it mirror my first: distressing, uncomfortable and numbing.

If you like numbing your genitals, bland insertable toys and the color pink, you’ll also like this toy. But if you want something that actually feels good, you’ll steer clear of this toy, who’s only silver lining is that it isn’t made out of toxic materials. But for less money, more pleasurable vibrations and a vibrator that’s not pink, the Turbo Glider does all of that while costing less money. You can find both the Crush Darling and the Turbo Glider at SheVibe.


On The Bleeding Edge: Diva Cup Review

Until earlier this year, I’d never heard of menstrual cups, and I’d certainly never thought I’d get one myself. I was content with getting tampons every now and then and keeping a few in my backpack in the event that I got surprised by my period during class or practice. I thought it was necessary, and that the expense and awkwardness of my monthly flow came with my anatomy.

But as you might’ve predicted, this year something changed. As I barreled through the reviews and notes of Epiphora, Girly Juice and Oh Joy SexToy, I learned of a productDiva Cup Photo 1 I found immensely intriguing. It was the menstrual cup, specifically the Diva Cup. Epiphora reviewed the Fun Cups earlier this year as well as the Diva Cup, and Oh Joy Sex Toy reviewed them as well as the Moon Cup. And they loved them! And I loved the idea of a reusable menstrual product that would save me from bleeding all over my cute underwear.

So I decided to test this by doing what everyone does: I walked myself all the way to the Whole Foods close to campus and bought the Diva Cup size A and the DivaWash. I felt guilty walking all the way back with a forty dollar hole in my pocket since it would be weeks until my next period. I spent that time with a sense of worry in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t work for me and that I’d wasted a bunch of money. But really, I shouldn’t have worried.

I will tell you now that the DivaCup is the farthest thing from a waste of money. Yes it costs more than two boxes of tampons, but it’s worth it. Not buying tampons or pads has saved me money and time. I don’t have to run to the store to pick up more disposable pads and tampons and that money that might’ve been spent on menstrual products on more fun things instead.

Menstrual cups are a bell shaped silicone device that catches your menstrual flow. The Diva Cup specifically is a colorless, translucent silicone cup that is made out of a fairly stiff silicone and has markings on the side denoting how many milliliters of blood you’ve filled the cup with, which is helpful for tracking your flow. You insert the cup into your vagina by folding it and pushing it past your pubic bone. If you look online, menstrual cup enthusiasts will have several folds they can explain to you, tips and tricks known to those who’ve mastered the art of effortlessly inserting their cup. I personally use the C fold method, not really patient enough for fancier folds.

Once inserted, your cup should open up against your cervix to catch your flow. When it opens up, it’ll form a seal and this is what prevents leakage. If there isn’t a seal, you’re likely to leak. What I do to ensure a good seal is twist the cup inside myself until I feel it fully open. After its opened up and sealed against my cervix, I’m good to go for the rest of the day.

Removing it is pretty easy for me. I insert my thumb and first finger into my vagina, grasp the stem and bare down with my PC muscles, et voila, the cup appears. Don’t think that this isn’t messy though. If the cup is particularly full or I don’t get a proper seal, I can get blood all over my hands. If you’re squeamish, the menstrual cup really isn’t for you.

During the day, I don’t usually feel the cup, and it’s much in the way a tampon is. The feeling of having something inside you might be a little unusual at first, but you get used to the feeling and go about your day as normal. Pooping with the cup in is not always the most comfortable, as the cup can shift with your bowel movements. Most people don’t report any problem peeing, but it can press against your bladder and cause discomfort. I once experienced sharp, agonizing pain similar to a UTI when I peed with the cup in. However, I only experienced it the once and it’s never been repeated. I personally attribute it to poor placement, but for some people with bladder issues it might be good to look into cups with softer silicone.

In terms of maintenance, keeping your cup clean is pretty easy. Boil it between menstrual cycles for about five minutes and you’re good to go. If it starts developing some staining or smell, leave it overnight in a cup of hydrogen peroxide and it’ll be all good to go. Diva Cup sells their special soap along with their menstrual cup, but you don’t really need it. I bought it out of paranoia since I had little access to boiling things and thought that would be a good way to keep it clean. But after I found out that peroxide does the trick, I really haven’t used it. It’s more of a talisman now, something I have that wards off my anxiety.

Is there anything wrong with the DivaCup? In my eyes, not really. Reviewers have commented the very gendered marketing of the DivaCup is disappointing and it truly is. It’s all very rah-rah girl power from the 00s and tiresome, and frankly, as someone who doesn’t feel very femme, it feels a little alienating. But as for the cup itself? I really can’t find fault with it. It was well worth the 40 dollars and I think a worthy cup for anyone wanting to stop spending so much on menstrual products every month.

Turbo Glider Review

The story of how I got the Turbo Glider is a little embarrassing. I originally got the Turbo Glider as a toy to tide me over until I got my Mystic Wand replacement, since my first Mystic Wand actually caught fire when I put the batteries in wrong. It was a rookie mistake, but luckily the company was kind enough to send a free replacement. However, I was too libidinous to wait the extra week, so I drove down to my local sex store and picked up the Turbo Glider to hold me over until the delivery. I know, it sounds a little bit like the Turbo Glider is in the shadow of the Mystic Wand. But I’m here to say that these are two very different sex toys and the Turbo Glider has its own qualities that make it a worthy toy and is more than worth the fifteen dollars I paid for it.

The Turbo Glider is made out of blue ABS plastic and has a kind of futuristic look to it. It seriously reminds me of Doctor Who, which would appeal to the sci-fi nerds among us. It’s a little more than 6 inches long and about 1.2 inches thick at the thickest part of it. The transparency of the plastic allows you to see the vibrator mechanisms in action, which I think is very entertaining. The Turbo Glider takes two AA batteries and the battery compartment is simple. Twist off the bottom, drop in the batteries and twist the bottom back on. The Turbo Glider doesn’t have any buttons on it since you control the speed with the bottom twist cap. The Turbo Glider is also waterproof, which I verified through hopefully discreet showertime jack off sessions at college.

As for the feel of it, oh it was far better than anticipated. At this pricepoint, I had been expecting something much weaker, perhaps erring on the side of caution after the first vibrator I ever bought turned out to be a flop. I am pleased to confirm what everyone else is saying about the Turbo Glider: it has titanic power for something with two AA batteries. The way that I end up using it most is either firmly pressing the bloopy tip to my clitoris or by laying it flat so more of my labia can get in on the action and so my clit feels less overwhelmed. The vibrations are strong, but it is important to note that these are buzzy vibrations, which means that I start to get numb if the vibrator is on high or left in place too long. I solve the numbness issue usually by using a lower setting and by circling my clit rather than leaving it stationary, much in the way that I do when I masturbate manually. While the shape looks cool and seems like it might be fun internally, I felt more the thickness of it than anything else. With no curve and strong but buzzy vibrations, it’s best used externally.

The vibrator has very few problems with it, with the only one I can think of being that the speed dial makes it such that I can accidentally change the speed without meaning to. However, I’ve never accidentally untwisted the cap during masturbation and there are few other features to critique.

In all, I would call this a darling vibrator. It’s simple and no frills, but it gets the job done with a minimum of fuss, is body safe and importantly, it fits almost any budget as it’s under $20! I highly recommend anyone looking to get their first vibrator try the Turbo Glider.