Rocket Girl Writes

Zumio X Review

I am laying naked on my bed, with the whirring tip of the Zumio buried in the fleshy folds of my inner labia near my clit. My eyes are sliding over the erotica I’ve picked out haphazardly, the careful and constructed sentences of literary fucking are almost ignored because of the intensity next to my clit. The sensation of the Zumio is intense and glorious; I find my eyes sliding in and out of focus at times and screwing up tight at others. It is powerful and squirm inducing this pleasure. I try to resist, try anything to not give in and cum too quick, but alas, a squeal stutters out of my throat and I feel my cunt flexing and squeezing in the rhythm of orgasm.

My boyfriend walks into the bed room to see me jerking off with what looks like a fabric gel pen pressed against my clit. He asks me “Is it good?”

I look up at him, my face pink.

“Fuck yeah it is.”

—

The Zumio is never a toy I expected to review. I had heard about it and knew several reviewers approved of it, but somehow I hadn’t really considered that I would ever own one. That is, until my shining star Kitten Boheme asked me if I wanted one. When I saw that Twitter DM I felt like she just nonchalantly asked if I wanted a platinum plated credit card good for infinite orgasms. Suffice to say, I said said yes. We traded details and jokes and hopes that I would like until it arrived.

When I opened it, I admit I knew what I was in for. The Zumio is kind of a weird looking toy. It’s shaped a bit like something I would expect from a Michael’s craft section, with a thick, gel pen body and a tiny whirly bit at the end. With a robust 8 speeds ranging from an intense ‘low’ to a ‘SOMEONE’S BLASTING MY CLIT WITH A LASER’ high, there’s been a variety of ways I can experience this. The Zumio also boasts an impressive use time of four hours on one charge but…it does take 16 hours to charge. So, pros and cons I guess. It charges in a neat way, in its own cup standing up right. And the Zumio is waterproof, which is kind of awesome, since cleaning the little thing would otherwise be a nightmare.

But I admit, I’m not thinking about how cool the Zumio’s charging mechanisms are or about how grateful I am that it’s easy to clean because its waterproof. At least, not most of the time. No, when I see it on my nightstand just hanging out, I’m thinking about the laser focused intensity that I can use to literally force myself into orgasm. Because the hype train is right, HOLY FUCK is it intense. The Zumio is my depression masturbation savior. It’s just what I need when my vag feels numb from depression or my period. The Zumio pummels my clit to orgasm and I’m just too happy to let it…over and over again. It’s easy to give and just use the Zumio solo, but when I can bring myself to put the Zumio aside long enough to lube up a dildo, it makes for a VERY satisfying session.

The way I’ve used the Zumio most often is I press it into my labia majora and can feel the stimulation through the fleshy parts of my vulva. The best speed of eight on the Zumio is the third one, it hits the sweet spot of ‘powerful enough to get me off quickly’ without being so extreme that it overwhelms my clit and makes me cry. In the spirit of trying off-label uses, I also tried putting the twirly tip inside the mouth of my vag to see if it would feel good. But the thrashing feeling was so weird that I gave up after just a few seconds. This is fine, the Zumio is a clit toy and doesn’t need to go inside me. I’ll also use this on my clitoral hood or on the shaft of my clitoris. The times that I’ve dared pull back my clit hood and put the Zumio directly onto my clit, I wanted to fucking scream. The sensation is so severe and overwhelming that I can’t bring myself to actually do it to myself for all that long. A few times, I even felt a kind of pain which scared me off doing that too often. Girly Juice mentions that this would be awesome for a forced orgasm scene and I’m inclined to agree. The only time the Zumio is coming directly in contact with my clit is if someone else is wielding it.

The Zumio is like the Deathwish of vibrators. A vibrator that kicks you in the ass and wakes you up with a zippy, severe and joyful sensation. It’s also like Deathwish in that not everyone is going to like it. For some people, this amount of stimulation is going to feel just devastating on their clit. And that’s fine! But for those of us who get a rush from the extreme, the Zumio might be just your cup of coffee.

This toy was given to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Kitten Boheme (go read her stuff, she’s hilarious!)

Reviews

Stuffed by Silicone: The Sensi Dildo Review

Sex bloggers want two things out of a sex toy: something well-designed that satisfies our libido, and something that doesn’t force us to give up being lazy. We see these conditions satisfied in inventions like the Stronic, a pulsator toy that thrusts itself and was lauded by many a blogger and in innovations like lube dispensers. Toys that are badly designed are rightly roasted, but perhaps more frustrating are the toys that require things to be just so for us to come. So when I heard of a new Uberrime dildo that promised almost effortless sensation, my heart fluttered. Could it be true? Pleasure for almost NO EFFORT? SIGN ME UP! Folx, please spread your legs and clap your hands for the latest in dildo technology: The Sensi.

By most accounts, the Sensi is a fairly petite dildo. At just 4.5 inches long and 1.6 inches at the thickest and incredibly squishy, the Sensi is safe size-wise for most vaginas. The shape is a little unusual, a little reminiscent of a traditional butt plug due to the thinner neck. But the Sensi differs from its butt-plugging cousins as it features an unusual base meant to not chafe the labia which is greatly appreciated. This peculiar base makes the Sensi work perfectly for vaginal plugging, but not at all for anal plugging. While I kind of wish for a multi-use plug, I’m honestly not upset. Butt plugs are ubiquitous, vag only plugs are rare and exciting.

SENSI PRODUCT PHOTO — The Sensi as featured on Uberrime’s website. What a drool-worthy trio!

Having never had the chance to try a vaginal plug before, I was beyond excited. The only other plug I knew of was the Jollet, a toy beautiful, but purportedly quite hard and unforgiving in the orifices. So when the Sensi promised a softer experience, I felt giddy with delight. Squishing the silicone between my fingers, I knew I’d be in for it. Already visions were dancing through my head of how I would use my new prize. Most prominent in my mind was a kink scene featuring the plug in me all day long. I fantasized about how I would fare going about my daily errands while squeezing around the Sensi’s plush silicone, eliciting little shivers of pleasure I went plugged to the library.

As I slid the Sensi in, it locked in place as though it were a missing puzzle piece from my vagina. It had all the mental satisfaction of fitting a corner piece into it’s spot with all the sexual pleasure of a well-shaped dildo. Visiting a library while covertly squeezing around plush silicone felt FUCKING EXCELLENT. The Sensi presses against my G-spot, and stays in even during vigorous exercise all the while being comfortable to wear due to the softness. The base nestled between my labia agreeably, with the soft oval shape almost forgotten as I went about my day. The smallness of the base is also excellent, because it doesn’t block access to my clit and the sheer laziness of popping the Sensi in and holding the Exposed Nocturnal against my clit makes me grin every time. I feel almost smug with that level of ease. Were I more inclined to feel shame, I might feel a little embarrassed about how quick and easily I came with the Sensi. But I’m not inclined to feel shame; I fucking love how lazy and decadent the Sensi makes me feel.

As a kegel exerciser, I found the Sensi to be fairly good in this purpose, with more G-spot sensation coming as a reward for every squeeze. Idly squeezing the dildo as I read has become a favorite past time of mine and has helped me in the writing of more tedious pieces. And through some parts of this review, I’ve found myself slipping in the Sensi, ostensibly for more research but mostly because it felt amazing.

I’ve had only one bad experience with the Sensi. Feeling extra ambitious one day, I used it in conjunction with the Medium NJoy Pure Plug and that was a mistake. My orifices felt crammed too full and so I had to pull the Pure Plug out to avoid feeling like my butt and vag were being torturously pried open. I imagine though that I might eventually be able to do a pair of plugs if I slowly worked my way up to that, which I might someday do, if only to be one of the first to have both orifices plugged pleasurably.

Marco has created a toy for kinksters and lazy people alike, which is kind of amazing if you think about it with how much work kink usually involves. The Sensi deserves to be the next biggest thing; a dildo that not only do you not have to thrust to enjoy, but one that you can wear to work with everyone unknowing AND it has a comfortable base for long-term wear. At $39, this is a STEAL for an item that I frankly haven’t seen any other company attempt since Jollet, who’s products don’t lend themselves well to long-term wear. My toybox is being slowly overtaken by Uberrime, but the Sensi shines among my toys as something truly special.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Uberrime and SheVibe!

Reviews

Restraints Review: Under the Bed Restraints and Sincerely Locking Ball Gag

The identity of Liz encompasses a variety of facets: fencing coach, sex blogger, coffee enthusiast, queen of ab workouts and schlocky horror nerd to name a few. Among these, I am also sometimes a submissive, but I am always full time lazy. I love being restrained and I’ve been looking to up the intensity of my submission, but doing so takes work! Work that my partner and I aren’t always into. But this past month, we’ve managed to get some more submissive scenes in thanks to two products: The Sincerely Locking Lace Ball Gag, and the Bed Bondage Kit by Candystraps. One of these was an amazing find and the other…well, more a fun and aesthetically pleasing novelty.

The Gag

The Sincerely Locking Lace Ball Gag is a bit of a puzzle to me. In some ways, the gag is supremely comfortable, and in others…less so. The straps of the gag are nicely adjustable to fit a wide variety of skulls, as it fit perfectly around both my boyfriend’s larger than average head and around my far more petite skull. Using silicone for the ball gag was also an excellent choice, as this allows the gag to be shared and cleaned far more easily. Also, the silicone is smooth and seamless, making for a relatively pleasant mouthfeel. The sides of the gag didn’t pinch at the corners of our mouths, which made bearing the gag much more comfortable. I love the all black color scheme, as it made the look more intense. And I’m also a big fan of the goth style, so it helped me realize my dream of being a submissive goth slut.

However, the ball of the Sincerely Locking gag made my jaw ache after a relatively short period of time and didn’t quite fit in my mouth right, though my boyfriend was quite comfortable. I would advise more petite persons to seek out a slightly smaller ball gag in order to get a more comfortable fit, or to seek out a bit gag in order to ensure long term comfort. Well, that is unless you are looking for a little discomfort, in which case, the Sincerely Locking Gag would absolutely be your cup of tea!

The Restraints

The Bed Bondage Kit by Candy Straps are beautiful. They’re a lovely blue on blue color scheme which gives them a playful vibe I don’t see in most bondage sets. While I usually prefer a classic look when it comes to my own personal scenes, I just can’t help but be swayed by that blue!

The Candy Straps restraints fit perfectly under my bed, which is Queen sized. I had plenty of room on my bed and it came to the correct height. We enjoyed using it to cuff my wrists the most, and the cuffs were perfectly adjustable. It was also extremely hot to watch my boyfriend cuff my wrists to the bed while he was straddling me. He was a vision of cool domliness, his eyes fixed on the cuffs tightening around my wrists while his hard cock throbbed and pulsed with anticipation of fucking me.

CANDY_STRAPS_PRODUCT_PHOTO — The Blue Bondage Set looking SO CUTE.

During sex, the cuffs were perfectly comfortable, and while they did make me feel constrained, the sensation was a bit milder than rope bondage. The cotton Twisted Monk Rope is at about a 5, the Agreeable Agony a 7.5 and the Bed Bondage Kit are a comfy 3 in terms of intensity of sensation. This is a great way to introduce someone to bondage who has otherwise been vanilla. The appearance is playful, the feel is comfortable and the set up is vastly more convenient than rope bondage. More seasoned players will probably enjoy the Twisted Monk ties because of their intricacy, but I believe the Bed Bondage Kit is just perfect for vanilla folks just starting to dip their toes in.

In all, I’ve enjoyed using both these products, but I find myself drawn more to the ease and comfort of the Candy Straps Bed Bondage Kit. The Sincerely Locking Lace Ball Gag is fun when I want to up the intensity, but for the average day? Sign me up for the comfortable, confining embrace of the Bondage Kit.

These products were sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Betty’s Toybox and Candy Straps!

Reviews

The Gooshi Dildo and Gooshi Titan Review

I love working with indie manufacturers of sex toys. They’re always bringing something new and exciting to the table; whether it be the chunky, cheerful semi-realism of Uberrime or the stunning colors of Strange Bed Fellas or the intricate detail of Lust Arts, indie makers are constantly bringing new shapes and colors to the sex toy industry. For this reason, I reached out to a relatively unknown dildo maker on Etsy: Gooshi Dildos. I gushed to him about his homemade dildos, asking if I might review them. To my delight, he agreed! Matt sent me the Gooshi proper and the Gooshi Titan in exchange for my fair review.

49933930_2088922524557935_6534789626451899066_n(1) — The Titan pictured left and the Gooshi Proper pictured right.

The Gooshi proper and the The Gooshi Titan are sort of abstract in style. The Gooshi is a plain, curved affair with three prominent ridges for internal stimulation, while the Titan is an undulating piece of varied thickness. The measurements for the Gooshi are well within the average dildo size, clocking in at just under 7 inches in usable length and is about 1.5 inches thick according to the webpage. The Titan, as its name suggests is somewhat more formidable in girth. Like its sibling, it is also about 7 inches long, but it sports an impressive maximum girth of 2.2 inches. That was what really excited me, the girth queen. Eager to get these boys into my vagina, I lubed them up, turned on some pornography and…was a little disappointed over all.

Neither Gooshi has worked well for my body. Those ridges on the Gooshi proper, which looked so promising in the product photos and squished so delightfully in my hand were quite painful upon insertion. Upon entering into my vagina, I winced and groaned from the surprising pain. There was a sharp discomfort upon insertion and removal, not unlike the discomfort I felt with the Element #2. Except there were three ridges this time, so it made for x3 discomfort. Even paired with a strong clitoral vibe, I still couldn’t find a lot of pleasure because of how the ridges felt during thrusting. Frustrated, I switched to another dildo and finally brought myself to orgasm after an hour of frustration.

The Gooshi Titan was less uncomfortable than its smaller sibling, but still somewhat lackluster. Something about the swell didn’t agree with my body, and it became something of a task to force the dildo inside. I’ve taken 2 inch thick dildos before without any trouble, so my difficulty with the Titan was a bit mystifying. The feeling of the head was pleasant, but the design of the swell just didn’t gel with me. I wish I had more to say, but I’m afraid that’s all I can offer.

While these two dildos have disappointed me, I still have hope for Gooshi as a whole. This is a one man operation, so I imagine feedback is important and will allow Gooshi to grow and craft better, more pleasurable toys. With the debut of Gooshi’s Infinity Dick and Pony dildo, which I note lack sharp ridges or awkward swells, I think Matt of Gooshi dildos is learning his trade and creating more beautiful toys. But if you’re thinking of the Gooshi or the Titan, I urge you to think again.

Advice

Five Quick Pick Me Ups

This week has been tough for me! In between writing and testing and looking for a place to move to, I’ve been doing my best to keep the stress under wraps! I’ve been lucky that I’ve been able to keep it up so far, and here’s what I’ve been using most often to get through the days!

Mindful Meditation: Meditation sounds kind of new age and spiritualist, but it has real health benefits. Namely, it reduces stress! When I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, I tap on my Calm app and squeeze in a quick session. Focusing on my breath helps me return to the present moment and get things done when I need to get them done.
Browsing cute animal photos: This is kinda cheesy, but often I’ll look at adorable bird pictures to cheer myself up. Looking at something that makes me happy reminds me that there’s more to my life than my worries and day-to-day issues. I especially love the r/bears subreddit which has loads of cute photos of bears and the r/superbowl subreddit which features superb owls!
Listening to a podcast or audio book: Getting engrossed in something like PseudoPod (my favorite horror podcast) or listening to The Sword of Shannara really helps me calm down. It’s a kind of escapism I can really appreciate on my commute and can give me the mental space I need to recharge and take on the rest of my day. Other podcasts I love are: The Adventure Zone, Tanis, The Black Tapes and Alice Isn’t Dead! I’m always in the market for more horror podcasts and I’m looking into the No Sleep Podcast as well!
Going outside and mentally cataloguing what I see: A lot of times, we end up zoning out and living in anticipation of the future and not appreciating the present moment. I find a good way for me to get out of this is to try and get outside. There, I make myself really consider what I’m looking at. ‘There’s blooming daffodils’ I’ll think, and then I’ll list other things. How many trees are in view. What the weather is like. How many birds I can hear. Getting immersed in my surroundings brings me back to the now, where I can actually do things rather than the future, where I can’t do anything yet!
Snacking on something yummy: Sometimes a good way to get in the zone is to engage your senses, as evidenced by my above methods. So if you engage your eyes and ears, why not also engage your taste buds? I like to snack on pretzels with peanut butter pockets, peanut butter banana bites and uh…well anything having to do with bananas or peanut butter! Anything I can eat helps me regain energy and helps me refocus on the present moment rather than ruminating over the past or angsting about the future.

Most of these techniques are all about bringing myself back to the present moment. Instead of worrying about things that may be or ruminating over past failures, choosing to focus on the present makes me less stressed and more productive. Being a naturally anxious person, I’ve experienced some measure of stress reduction as I’ve employed being mindful in my daily life. What do you do to reduce stress?

Writing and Blogging

Growth and Development: Reading, Writing and Meditating

I’ve meditated upon my craft quite a bit lately. Recently I’ve been on a reading kick and its been exhilarating. I’ve purchased The Elements of Style, The Artists’ Way and Bird By Bird, all excellent writing manuals. I’ve also got 10 Percent Happier on my Audible account and new earbuds to listen to it with; and while I find the work a little bit more memoir than helpful, its been enjoyable to listen to nonetheless. Per the recommendation of The Artist’s Way, I made a commitment to doing morning pages and meditating, trying to get myself back into the swing of writing. I find that after I do my morning pages that I feel a little unburdened, and that words pour out more simply. Maybe they aren’t good words and they require some polishing, but I feel delighted nonetheless that they flow outwards.

I’ve also finished reading Come As You Are and Becoming Cliterate, both interesting books on sex. I found Come As You Are to be powerfully illuminating and I believe it merits another, deeper read. I’m hoping to secure more sexual literature in general though, so that I can turn my writing skills and fascination with sex into a synthesized whole. To write beautifully and clearly about the sexual cycle, how we go from arousal to desire would be amazing. I’ve seriously thought about creating a sexuality and writing group course in the hopes of fostering more community engagement with sex writers. Making a list of required reading, constructing PowerPoints, and holding academic discussion about sex online is an exciting thought, and I know with my experience of coaching fencing that I enjoy teaching.

One of my issues recently has been my inability to stick with a project. I find it difficult to stay interested in any one thing for very long, a function of my ADD mind. A million ideas flood through my brain on the daily: holding sex community events, creating sexual literacy classes, creating a podcast on sex, life and horror and more. It can be a lot to manage all my ideas and I’m still looking for compatible software to sort ideas into actionable ones. Saving them all in a Word document feels clumsy to me and isn’t aesthetically pleasing. Let me know in the comments what organising software you use to keep track of ideas! But further more, scheduling and sticking to a schedule is going to be the next thing on my list.

But first and foremost, this is going to be the week where I publish a post everyday. Maybe it will be more navel gazing in the sense that this is me fiddling about with my writing style and giving you a peek into the disordered, chaotic, joyful and agonized brain by turns. With luck though, I’ll make some excellent posts and grow a little bit more as a writer.

Reviews

Fuze Major Review

In the course of my reviewing career, I have reviewed fantastical mermaids, zombie penises, dildos that look like nothing in particular and dildos that more resemble abstract art than the human phallus. Put simply, I haven’t seen a realistic dildo since starting reviewing, and until recently owned exactly one dildo that could claim to be realistic. But ever since SheVibe took me on their reviewer program, I’ve had the chance to expand my sexual horizons by asking for…a dildo that looks like a penis, aka the Fuze Major. Listen, this is BRAIN-BREAKINGLY funny to me. Having more experience with silicone unicorn horns than penises? OF COURSE THIS WOULD BE MY LIFE.

Anyway, in attempting to broaden my horizons so to speak, I asked SheVibe to send me the Fuze Major, an uncut suction cup dildo. It’s a petite thing compared to the monster dildos that comprise my usual fare, but for most people it would probably fall in the average range. At 6 1/4 inches in length and around 1.5 inches in thickness, the Major has dimensions that would most likely be found on a cis man. The Fuze Major also fairly emulates what an uncut cis man might look like, which for some will be a serious draw and for others a major turn off. For my own tastes, I love the foreskin on this toy which is why I asked for it. Uncut toys are something of a rarity and having the chance to own one was something I jumped on!

FUZE MAJOR PRODUCT PHOTO — The Fuze posed outside in the warm afternoon sun.

Using this toy however, required adjusting my expectations. I’ve been wooed by the soft and squishy dual density toys of late, so I was a little surprised when I gave the Major a squeeze and it didn’t squish. Like the Hollywood vision of military personnel, the Major is firm and fairly inflexible, but its average size makes it so that it can be used after just a little fingering. Sliding it in, I couldn’t feel the foreskin as much as I could the veiny texture of the shaft. That was a little disappointing as I was hoping to really feel it! But the shape of the head was bulbous and pronounced enough that I could feel it on my G-spot. It excelled as both a static and thrusting dildo, and I really enjoyed clenching around it as I gorged my eyes on porn and put the Exposed Nocturnal on my clit. I find myself reaching for it when I want to fantasize about fucking someone uncut, though it hasn’t exactly revolutionized anything in terms of shape or squish. The aesthetics of the Major are really attractive to me

Also, the suction cup is nothing to sneeze at. Once I stuck it to my headboard, it hung out there for the whole day. To go to sleep, I had to yank it off the headboard because it otherwise WOULD NOT FALL OFF. Kudos Fuze, this is a powerful suction cup!

The moment I really want to talk about though, was the time I used it in my harness. As I slid the Major through the O-ring, I marveled at how attractive it looked on me. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t stop staring at the perky Major bobbing from my pelvis. I lubed up and jacked off my artificial erection, hypnotized by the babe in the mirror who was stroking her cock along with me. I felt an erotic flush slowly creep over my body as I watched my self in the mirror. And when I slipped in the Exposed Nocturnal to vibrate my clit while I jerked off? It was confusing, erotic and thrilling all at the same time and I found myself quickly working towards orgasm. I’ve sometimes had fantasies of having my own dick and the Major is what I imagine it would look like if I grew one rather than used a store bought one. Since that episode I’ve been fantasizing non-stop about hot strap-on sex with more than just the Major; visions of fucking someone with the Splendid, Frank’s Monster and the Vamp dance through my head…mmm thanks Major, you’ve opened my eyes.

This is a dildo for people who like average sized dildos that are fairly firm and offer a nice amount of G-spot stimulation. This dildo is also for people who prefer more realistic style dildos and have been aching for some intact representation! This is a fantasy dildo not in the sense that it belongs on a fantasy creature, but that it fulfills the fantasy of fucking or bearing an uncut member. For someone who fantasizes about either, the Major is a dildo worthy of consideration.

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Reviews

Teal Treasures: The Tantus Chubby

Tantus products so far have been kind of a sore spot for me. The much vaunted (and most reasonably priced) Vamp didn’t work for my body, with the sulcus catching on something internal causing a pinching sensation. The nipple clamps were so painful that I couldn’t try them for more than a few seconds (OH BOO HOO, I KNOW). But the Tantus Chubby has redeemed the Tantus name…at least in my eyes. Controversially named the They/Them at first and undergoing some slight re-design, the Chubby originally caught my eye because of that dreamy peacock color. But it held my attention after one memorable session.

The Chubby, as its name implies, is a stout dildo that boasts 4.7″ worth of insertable length, making it shorter than average. But at 1.75″ of girth, it’s a chunky fella and probably requires a bit of warm up for newer players, especially in such a firm density.

Now, I understand that the Chubby is purported to be in Tantus’ Super Soft Density. However, the Chubby doesn’t have any real squish to it, so don’t purchase it thinking that it’s going to squish like a dual density dildo.

The Chubby cannot be used as a warm up dildo unless you know you’re perfectly good with thick, firm penetration right off the bat. I myself am not, so when using the Chubby before any other toy or without warmup, I would feel an intense to the point of painful stretch at my vaginal opening. It in fact felt like my vagina was being pried open and gagged, which is PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE. However, after warming myself up a little more with fingers and smaller dildos, I found it a lot easier to take. The Tantus Chubby excels when I use it midway through my typical masturbation session, when my vagina has opened up more and is ready for something more intense.

The shape of the dildo is fairly straight and it has minimal texture, making the Chubby unsuitable for people who need a curve to enjoy intense G-spot, prostate, or vaginal wall stimulation. The Tantus Chubby is there to fill up your chosen orifice and exert some pressure on it without bashing into your cervix or going too deeply in your ass. Because I enjoy girth and haven’t fully come to appreciate INTENSE G spot stimulation, I find the Chubby to be delightful when I can fit it in me. What can I say? I’M A GIRTH QUEEN.

TANTUS THEY THEM PRODUCT PHOTO — The Tantus Chubby posed like an Easter Egg in the grass.

The Tantus Chubby also prompted me to introduce a new technique into my masturbatory repertoire: fully insert the Chubby and get some delicious pleasure/pain sensations when it gently rubs against my cervix. I’m not usually a fan of cervical pressure, so this was pretty surprising! Kudos to you Tantus, for getting me into something new and different. During the one memorable session I mentioned earlier, I suddenly had an idea. I stuffed myself fully with the Chubby and then, rather than thrusting conventionally, I slapped the base of it strongly, prompting intense jolts of pleasure. This particular technique also had the benefit of prompting me to fantasize about hot dominants slapping my pussy and teasing me for getting off on such a thing. In all, it made for a deliciously hot session.

The Tantus Chubby is a solid dildo for those among us looking for something thick but not long. Its firm, a charming color and perfectly body safe. This is the perfect toy for when you want to fully sit on something thick without threatening your cervix which for me? Is all the time.

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Sex Ed

Sickness and Sex

Sex positivity is a learned behavior in our sex negative culture. Letting people other than men learn to own their bodies and seek pleasure is a radical attitude that deserves to permeate our culture. Decoupling pleasure from the taboo and from the ‘dirty’/’clean’ dynamic is…frankly a struggle. And it’s something that I’ve come up against recently.

Two weeks ago, I went in to see my GYN for some routine testing and to talk about my menstrual depression. I was seen and heard by this woman who valued my concerns, who thoughtfully made some suggestions about coping with my anhedonia. When I left, I had a bandaid on my arm and a prescription in my hand that I cautiously hoped would ease me back into being the vibrant human being that I am. I was ready to contribute to the posts advocating getting tested and voice my support for tearing down the idea that STIs made everyone dirty.

Of course, until my syphilis test came back with an abnormality. According to the doctor, my test had come back with something amiss and I would need secondary results. I felt like I’d run into a brick wall. I felt…blind sided and sideswiped and…I loathed myself. I felt dirty and disgusting. A chill of fear that twisted my guts as I told my partner that he might need to go in for treatment. I stumbled over my words as I told him that I couldn’t explain how it could possibly have happened and that it must’ve been a false positive. He held me and told me that even if I were positive that this was an easy fix. I shuddered in his arms as he reassured me that he didn’t think I was dirty or nasty and that he still loved me. For the next two weeks, he would repeat over and over again that he still loved me and he wanted to be with me even if he did have to get a shot. The support from him was vital, and it made the days easier knowing he was on my side.

Those two weeks I was in a deep funk. I was adjusting to new medication which messed with my libido in addition to battling my own internalized shame. I didn’t masturbate or have an orgasm for two weeks. I didn’t touch my toys for fear of getting them ‘dirty’. I felt ashamed to take food from the delivery person, wondering whether or not I was able to spread it to other people from just casual contact. The intellectual side of me knew that I wasn’t ‘contagious’ and that a simple shot was all that would be required if I were positive…but my emotional side said ‘he’s gonna leave you, you crazy dirty bitch’.

Just this Friday, the 22nd of February I received notice that my result was a false positive. Relief flooded through me as I showed my partner the results. If I’d slipped the hangman’s noose I don’t think I could’ve been more giddy. But even as I celebrated, something tickled my mind. Understanding. Having a sex positive attitude is work. These are ingrained attitudes in us and it takes time to unlearn the toxic crap our culture inundates us with. And it takes effort to confront how these attitudes manifest in your own mind. I came up against my own attitudes in these two weeks and learned how fucking valuable it is that there are bloggers and sexuality educators fighting the stigma and trying advocate for sexual health. To anyone fighting the good fight and to make sex healthier and more normalized, I see you. When I was angsting out of my fucking mind, I looked frantically for resources and I fucking found them thanks to y’all. Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and many more provide resources and sex education. But more than that, the blog squad is there, with people like Kelvin Sparks and Suz Ellis providing information and positivity with regards to sexual health.

If you’re struggling with depression and sexual health, there’s people who understand. I’ve learned that I deserve love no matter my diagnosis. And you do too.

Reviews

The Elements 4 & 5 Review

It seems I’m not the master of the Elements as I thought I was! Two new ones have arrived. Meet the Elements 4 & 5, two new members of Uberrime’s affordable Elements line. Earlier this year I reviewed the first three in the line, and so when I was offered a chance to review the two new comers, I could not say yes fast enough. The 3 was undeniably my favorite of the previous batch and so I was eager to see if the 4 or the 5 would match the greatness of their older siblings.

Well damn did they ever. The 4 is probably the shining star among the Elements. Its companion, the 5 didn’t rock my world QUITE as much, but made me understand ripples can in fact feel good. The 4? Well, the 4 is probably one of the most meticulously designed, anatomy focused and well thought out dildos I have ever had the delight of trying. Hats off to you Marco, you’ve created something truly delightful that I cannot recommend enough.

The Element 5 resting in the grass after a rain.

The 5 is a petite, ripply dildo with an interestingly shaped head. When I slide it in my vagina, the ripply texture doesn’t feel abrasive, but doesn’t provide much in the way of stimulation for me. It adds interest to thrusting, but most of my love of it comes from that unusually shaped head. The 5 is neither too long nor too girthy and does well to warm me up for larger toys. Were the 5 cast in a firmer silicone, it’s likely I’d experience some discomfort from the ripples. But no, Marco has apparently thought of everything and made the silicone pleasingly pliant. The base of 5 is nice and wide and makes it suitable for anal play and the slight curve helps it to press against my G spot. And that head! I am crazy about that head. The 5’s head is one that targets my G spot without being severely pinpoint. In all? A fairly lovely toy for someone who’d like to dip their toes into texture without dropping a fat load of cash on something like The Mermaid or The Echo.

Now, the 4 is deceptive. The design is slightly oceanic with its smoothness, seeming bland compared to its rippled sibling. The 4 might look to be a tame toy because it doesn’t rock any crazy texture and has fairly petite dimensions. But see, that’s where you’d be INCORRECT. The 4, according to Uberrime’s website, is meant to mimic the feeling of two fingers curved ever so slightly, though the shape of the toy is delightfully non-realistic. And let me tell you, the toy delivers on that promise. My testing notes remark that it feels damned close to the pads of two fingers pressing against my G spot. It’s one of the more intensely pleasurable sensations I’ve had grace my vagina. Many designs, such as the Ella and the Gigi and many of the Pico Bong toys have pioneered a flat head. I’ve not tried these toys, so while I imagine that they’re quite pleasurable, but are vastly more expensive.

The Element 4 cradled by the rocks near the stream

However, there’s more to the 4 than just G spotty goodness. The design also does something I’ve never experienced: it works as a vaginal plug. Held static in my vagina, I can feel it press against my G spot and give me a feeling of EXCELLENT fullness at my vaginal opening. This ingenious bit of design is what makes it my go to for quickies and sessions when I’m not up for thrusting hard and fast. I have enough dildos for pistoning my pussy; the 4 is a relief for my wrist, even as strong as it is. While it’s not going to lock into the vagina like kegel balls will, it will stay in place remarkably well for most masturbation positions. In fact, it’s how I learned I have crushing vaginal strength. I was able to hold the 4 inside of me for a brief time while standing. I FELT GLOWINGLY PROUD OF MY CUNT. Honestly it would be fun to use as a vaginal test your strength toy and have my visitors clock the time that they can hold it in.

Uberrime is an up and coming company that makes smart, anatomy focused designs and prices them affordably. I love the 4 dearly and I want it in my vagina even as I write this. The 5 provides an excellent warm up for more textured dildos, such as the Mermaid. For lazy masturbators and texture lovers alike, these are excellent toys and I’m pleased to include them in my starting line up.

Uberrime sent me these toys free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thank you Uberrime!