Rocket Girl Writes

Femme Fun Ultra Bullet Review

The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is undeniably cute. A fat bullet covered in adorably bright turquoise silicone with a bright pink button? Probably one of the most aesthetically pleasing designs I’ve seen in a while. It puts me in mind of Easter eggs that you might find in the grass and it makes me ache for warmer spring weather. The Femme Fun bullet caught my eye more as I looked for alternatives to the Tango, and while I’ve certainly found alternatives, I never really stopped being enamored of the clean, cute design of the Ultra Bullet. So you can imagine my delight when SheVibe allowed me to review it! Of course, I should know more than anyone that looks can be deceiving, because this bullet isn’t what I hoped for.

femme fun ultra bullet product photo — The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet really makes me think of spring.

When I said the bullet was fat, I suppose technically I wasn’t correct. Looking now at the measurements of the bullet, the widest part is only .91 inches thick, smaller than most thin dildos. I suppose the roundness of the design is what imparts a sense of chunkiness to the bullet, as well its fat base. The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is fully waterproof, which I dutifully tested during a hot bubble bath. It buzzed away faithfully without complaint as I lounged in my tub, providing a pleasingly decadent orgasm. The bullet also claims to have 20 functions, which I dutifully counted, and the ad copy is correct. It has a fine battery life and operates via the single large button on the bottom. To turn it on, you press and hold the button, and to change settings you click the button briefly. All fairly standard and simple, though the inability to go back to a favored setting is especially annoying with the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet. You must cycle through all of the other functions to get back, which is very tedious considering there are so many settings. The memory function is also odd, because if I click off the vibe on my finishing speed (usually the highest steady speed) then the vibe tries to be helpful by starting me off on that speed when I turn it on again. This can make using the vibrator sort of awkward because when I click on the vibe, I expect a nice low speed and am instead assaulted with the highest steady one. After I click the vibrator once though, the vibrator goes back to the first steady speed and progresses normally.

The controls are really what make the Femme Fun a let down for me. Well, that and that there are only three steady speeds. Yes, the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet does have 20 functions as promised! 17 OF THOSE ARE PATTERNS. Epiphora asked her readers and the results are in: patterns are not what make us come. No one praises the Tango for its patterns, and they are not the feature of the Nocturnal. My clit feels sort of battered from all directions when experiencing a lot of the patterns. This, combined with the fact that I must experience them in order to get to my favored settings irritates me to no end.

Perhaps I would be less salty about there being only three steady speeds if I were able to navigate them more easily. Because quite honestly, the steady speeds are lovely! The low one is perfect to stir arousal, and is therefore great for when I’m reading erotica and having a long session. The second and third speeds are pleasingly rumbly and strong and are surface level and all of those other buzz words which generally mean I get to orgasm. Even my boyfriend enjoyed vibrations of this quality, as he agreed to test it by putting it (partially) in his ass. He said it felt really interesting and pleasurable as he slid it in, and I couldn’t help but feel a little hornier watching him like that…anyway. If I could navigate through these three speeds then I’d feel a lot better using the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet, and I’d feel even better if there were a greater range of steady speeds.

The Femme Fun is charmingly designed, strong, rumbly and rechargeable. If that was all that mattered, then I’d be hawking it to you at the top of my voice. But the controls of the vibrator make me WINCE. Furiously clicking through the patterns so I can drop the vibrator down to a lower steady speed is frustrating, and I can’t even reset by turning it off because the memory function will start me wherever I stopped. If I were to remake this vibe, I would hack off a good chunk of the patterns, increase the range of steady speeds and make it more navigable. Since I can’t, I’ll point you to my preferred clit vibe at the moment, the Exposed Nocturnal which I reviewed here. No it’s not as cute and it doesn’t come in turquoise, but it doesn’t force me to experience patterns and it has 5 steady speeds.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Cryptokink

Cryptokink: Vore

Swallow your fears everyone, it’s time we took a deep dive into one of the most talked about kinks on the internet: vore.

Voraphilia, or colloquially known as vore, has become one of the most popular niche kinks on the internet. I write this with a grin…popular niche kink is just the sort of oxymoron that WOULD happen on my blog. Anyway, the point is that some people have developed a sexual fetish entirely around being eaten.

No, not like cannibalism. Well usually not. I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks being cut up and eaten like the victim of a serial killer is hot, and that’s for them to deal with as they see fit. But these types of individuals wouldn’t really fall into the vore fetish. They’d fall more into the guro category but I digress.

Vore can be divided into two spectrums or axes. There is hard vore, which depicts chewing and thus gore and occasionally the death of the entity being vored. Soft vore differs in that it is often depicted as swallowing the vored entity whole and alive. Often times hard vore is considered fatal, while soft vore is sort of the person or entity just hanging out in consumer’s body for a while before being ejected unharmed. Then there is the second axis of willing and unwilling, which is how the entity being vored reacts to the situation. Some vore scenes are depicted as violent and unwanted, with the vored person actively trying to escape being swallowed, while naturally the willing scenes have the person being vored damn near jumping down someone’s throat.

With vore defined, I’m going to focus mainly on why people find soft vore attractive. In a later post I’ll talk about hard vore and guro and similar edgy kinks, but that’s for later. For now, I think soft vore is absolutely fascinating. There are certain elements that I think a soft vore scene shares with oh…something like wax play or massages. There’s not any special focus on genitals, and often the sensation that’s achieved (in the scene) is not an orgasm but a sense of satisfaction. In some scenes, the vore top or predator is seen to sexually enjoy consuming the vore bottom or prey and masturbates themselves to completion upon swallowing the prey, but there are just as many scenes where they roll over and take a nap.

The main draw for soft vore appears to be intense vulnerability and intimacy combined with something akin to a mouth and or a belly fetish. I think this type of vulnerability sort of forces people to relax by taking away all other options. I mean, you’ve been eaten, of course you’ve got no control. But you’re forced into a place that is ultimately worry free and very protected. I don’t think it’s TOO MUCH of a stretch to say that vore both occupies a taboo and a comforting place in the psyches of people who indulge in it as a fantasy. I imagine it as being similar to an anxious submissive who finds a deep comfort in being tied up. They are fully trusting their dominant to take care of them and can therefore get into a very relaxed headspace when someone they trust binds their limbs.

Now, as you might be thinking, vore pretty much can’t be experienced in real life. Humans do not exist that can other adult humans whole and all sort of puts a damper on acting out this fantasy. Vore can somewhat be simulated by perhaps making small prey shaped confections, and then filmed as a kind of vore pornography, but that’s not where vore enthusiasts are most prevalent. Vore thrives as a roleplaying scenario and as erotica in both visual and text mediums. Going on literotica and searching the term vore will bring up hundreds of stories about all kinds of vore and its various derivations. Sub reddits exist for this fetish and a cursory google search brings to light how popular this has become with people online. Photo manipulations of beautiful women holding men before their mouths exist as well as extremely dirty furry erotica in which blue foxes are swallowed whole by the dashing tiger predators. Vore seems to be having it’s heyday in both the human and furry community alike!

For the most part, it seems like vore is a strange if largely harmless kink that appeals to people’s desire to be comforted and dominated. This style of domination is just a bit more…physical? At any rate, if this post aroused any feelings for you, know that you’re far from alone and that there’s a thriving community waiting to eat you. Well, meet you. Both? Sorry I couldn’t resist a dumb joke.

Reviews

Lumberjill Cinder Review

The world of wood dildos is pretty small and also fairly expensive. One of the models held in critical acclaim will run you approximately $145 on an average day without sales. It was for this reason that I had resigned myself to a wood-less existence. Well, that was until RGN Toys put out the call for reviewers to put a new, affordable wood dildo model to the test. Never one to turn down a new masturbation experience, I gamely put myself forward and was accepted! Mere days later, I welcomed into my house and my vagina the adorable Cinder dildo.

cinder product photo — The Cinder looking charming

The Cinder is a petite dildo, or is at least considering my vagina’s proclivities. At six inches long and 1.5 inches thick at the girthiest, the Cinder sits comfortably at the average end of the dildo spectrum. When I showed my boyfriend and friends the new toy I got, the most common remark was how much it looked like a bowling pin. I confess, it kind of does and it makes me giggle. While it’s not exactly a discreet toy, you have to wonder if anyone would think more than an unusually shaped paperweight. Sitting on a coffee table next to a book, someone might think it merely a piece of decorative sculpture. Honestly, the Cinder is giving me ideas for incorporating stealthy pieces of erotica into my home décor!

With the Cinder being so petite, it’s no surprise that my size captain vagina wasn’t floored. What I didn’t expect was that my vagina would be able to swallow the Cinder whole…yeah, constrictor snake style. When I stood up and realized that the dildo didn’t fall out of me though, that was when the fun really started. Cue Liz strutting around her apartment, gripping the Cinder like a vice. Apart from the size though, I found the shape of the Cinder to be delightful though. The firm, insistent pressure on my G spot from the knobbed end of the Cinder felt lovely in conjunction with a strong clitoral vibrator. The tapered torpedo like end was considerably less pleasurable, so I recommend using that bit as a handle to pound yourself with. Hell, the knobbed end was so good that I lost myself in a masturbation frenzy one evening.

However, this was to the detriment of my sheets, as I had forgotten two things: 1) that I was menstruating and 2) that I hadn’t put down a towel. When I spotted my ruined bedding, my vagina ejected the Cinder in fear and more blood oozed out of me. Blood was fucking everywhere, running down my legs and splodged all over the bedspread. I was struggling not to scream and cuss as I hustled my bare ass to the laundry room with my soiled duvet in arms. And thus, the Cinder burned me, for I flew too close to the sun that is masturbating on your period.

Blood bath aside, the Cinder has been an exciting experience. Wood does feel different than the silicone and steel and glass that I’ve tried in that it is both light and firm, but it doesn’t necessarily feel warmer as Lumberjill claims. It’s about the same temperature as silicone, which is room temperature. Compared to steel though, I suppose this claim has some credit, because my Pure Wand is always FRIGID.

Cleaning the toy was also interesting, as there are no sanitising instructions on my care and cleaning manual. According to Richard Carver, the man behind the art of Lumberjill, there currently isn’t a way to sanitise the toy. However, the toy is still non-porous due to the finish. When I asked what should be done if the finish were to be damaged, Richard told me that contacting him on Etsy would work so that the toy could be shipped to him for repair, repaired at home per his instructions, or replacing the toy depending on the damage. This kind of comprehensive care for dildos, especially ones so affordable is kind of mind boggling.

Final thoughts? The Cinder is an amazingly affordable (just $30 at RGN!!) wood dildo that feels good, even though it is somewhat underwhelming in the size department. I highly recommend this for people who would like to experience luxury on a budget and who know that they enjoy: 1) firm pressure on internal erogenous zones and 2) prefer smaller toys. Also you can rest easy knowing that should your toy become damaged that Lumberjill will look after you!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks RGN Toys!

Reviews

Uberrime Splendid Review

There exists many different kinds of toys. There are the sucky ones, sure, and those are fun to write scathing reviews about and that you can gleefully bin once you don’t have to test the fucker anymore. Good toys are another category, the ones that make you sigh in relief as you reach for them to end a masturbation session made frustrating by the aforementioned shitty toys. Niche toys fulfill a certain need that you may not always have, like a particularly textured dildo or a VERY strong vibrator.

And then there are toys that rise above the rest as the very best of toys. They require little warm up, are nearly effortless in use, extremely versatile and, if you’re lucky, they’re also beautiful. Some contenders include: The We Vibe Tango, The VixSkin Mustang, The Lelo Mona and now…the Uberrime Splendid, which I dub the champagne of dildos.

splendid product photo — The Splendid looking lovely in the snow.

The Splendid is a toy that I believe will rightly join the ranks of these acclaimed toys. It is beautiful, pleasurable, effortless and versatile. It makes for hours long sessions of masturbation that soak my bed spreads and rob me of my full mobility after I’ve had ten orgasms consecutively. And I want to tell you all about it.

At 5 and half inches insertable and a maximum diameter of 1.67 inches, the Splendid sits solidly within the range of the average dildo user’s capacity. People looking for a slightly smaller toy might be disappointed by the dimensions, but I think it’s a fairly accessible size. The Splendid is a loose interpretation of a penis, with a bulbous head and prominent veins. But the gorgeous marbled color and chunkiness mean that it walks the line between fantasy and realism like a seasoned acrobat walking the tightrope; by which I mean it looks FANTASTIC. There’s a sort of cheeriness in the design that puts a smile on my face every time I look at it.

And while I am overjoyed to simply stop and stare at this magnificent dildo, the feeling of it inside my vag is what prompted me to write this review. The veins are prominent and easily felt as I push the Splendid inside of me. The manageable dimensions make this a dildo for all seasons, and I’ve used it when I’m on my period and when I’m bleed free all to the same result: simple and strong orgasms. Sliding it in is tactile heaven, with the closest comparison being lying down on a massage table and being worked over by strong and skillful hands. That bulbous squishy head nudges itself insistently against my G-spot, making clenching feel comfortably and eye-rollingly pleasurable. Thrusting, clenching, twirling and nudging the toy are all viable methods for pushing the Splendid’s gorgeously soft head against all the right internal spots.

The softness of the dildo is divine. Dual density is an amazing quality, and Uberrime NAILED IT. It’s soft enough to be gentle but has the firmness to stand up to my vagina. It’s squishier than The Maestro, a cousin of the Splendid’s, but still quite firm enough to do the job. I don’t know how Uberrime can make all of these silicone densities so goddamn delicious, but they do and I appreciate it. I want to stuff myself with the Splendid for hours at a time. The Splendid gives me an orgasm that makes me feel perfectly content and at peace with the world; it’s as if we solidified the feeling of curling up near a fire with a mug of cocoa while it’s snowing outside into a sculpture and then made that solid sculpture fuckable. It’s a truly AMAZING dildo and one that holds a place of honor in my nightstand.

Much has been said about the Splendid. The Big Gay Review rated the Splendid a perfect 10, Felicity of Phallophile Reviews loves it, and Epiphora loved it so much that she had a line of Splendids done up in her signature sea green color. This dildo has received something of a royal welcome in the reviewing community, praised by people of all pronouns for its delightful squish and pleasantly sized dimensions. I’m proud to be among one of the reviewers in christening this sex toy as the cream of the crop. Here’s to you Splendid, you beautiful squishy bastard! May you grace many more holes than mine!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Uberrime!

Reviews

Screaming O Tri-It Review

Countess Kassandra is a well known blogger whom I DEEPLY respect. She writes wonderful reviews (CHECK OUT HER REVIEW OF THE ELEMENT THREE. She wrote about pegging her husband in such a beautiful way) and is now running her own shop, the Erotique! This on it’s own is delightful, I think reviewers owning shops that they stock with verifiably good toys is a great way to bring in more body safe toys and push out shitty and toxic toys. But when she offered me a chance to review for her Erotique, I couldn’t leap on the chance fast enough. However, I would be remiss in not noting that the toy I was offered for review was a little odd.

The Tri-It from Screaming O is weird looking one, this is just a fact. I pulled it out of the packaging and regarded the three beaded prongs with a strange mix of feelings: bewilderment, excitement and caution. Never have I approached a sex toy like it might be an exotic and potentially lethal bird that would look fabulous as it kicked me to death, but some how, I felt that way. The Tri-It looks like a makeup tool for fem aliens from beyond the stars more than it looks like a sex toy for human genitals, which only added to my fascination. Can a toy as strange looking as this feel good? Well…yes!

tri-it product photo 2

Looking at the instruction manual, the Tri-It – at least on paper – seems to check all the boxes for a successful toy. It’s rechargeable, waterproof, and covered in a thin skin of hot pink silicone. While I’m not the biggest fan of pink, the sheer brightness of it softens my heart. Neon pinks are better than pinks that try to look demure. The controls are similar to those of the Exposed Nocturnal, pressing for two seconds on any button to turn the toy on or off and navigating through the settings with short button clicks. I think a power button in addition to the scrolling buttons would be a welcome addition, but that’s a minor gripe.

The Tri-It has 10 steady functions and 10 patterns. Being the kind of person I am, I eschewed all the patterns in favor of the steady functions. The patterns are intense and a little jarring in fact, so if I wanna have an orgasm, I make sure to stay in the steady intensities. Positioning the beads to work for me was…a challenge. Actually I found it near impossible to get all the prongs to focus on it. My clit is hooded and VERY small, so mostly I just ended up pushing the main bead against my clit and letting the other two prongs do whatever. For some people, this will be a deal breaker. But even though I was disappointed that the prongs didn’t line up with my anatomy, the Tri-It saved itself through one particular feature.

This little alien lipstick looking vibrator is a GODDAMN POWERHOUSE. If this were a generator it would be Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor. I could (and have) had orgasms all day long just on the first four steady speeds. Paired with a good dildo, I orgasm hard enough to soak the bed spread under me and lose function in my legs. People who follow me on Twitter know that I used the Tri-It and the Splendid to orgasm myself into a stupor. It rivals the Nocturnal and perhaps even the Tango in power. Its single bead is extremely pin point, so precise and accurate that my clit can’t hope to escape the vibrations. My internal structures are pleased from the power of this as well, as the vibration quality is a pleasant medium between buzzy and rumbly. At times I can be numbed, but it’s nowhere near the numbing effect of the Nocturnal.

Bloggers are an important element in the field of sexuality and sex toys. They provide honest opinions on toys, forthright information on safety and a good laugh when we need it. Countess Kassandra is one of those bloggers who has decided to up the standard of sex toys by only selling things in her Erotique she would personally want to use, which is an admirable thing. While I found the Tri-It to be an odd bird, I still really enjoy it and don’t hesitate to recommend it for people looking for a slightly cheaper alternative to the Tango. And if you want to support me while checking out, use code ROCKETGIRL which will kick back a small percentage to me at no extra cost to you!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Countess Kassandra! YA NAILED THIS ONE.

Reviews

A Beginner’s Attempt at Trying an Enema

Anyone who’s interested in anal sex has heard about enemas. Most anal sex guides will tell you that you’re pretty much fine if you have a bowel movement 30 minutes to an hour before hand that you’ll be fine, but that the more nervous crowd might find comfort in an enema. However, in most of these anal sex guides, there aren’t descriptions of how to do an enema or a description of what the recipient might feel. And I, an intrepid soul, saw that niche and decided to fill it. I would catalog my first enema and display it to you, my adoring readers.

Anyway, this is for everyone out there in the anal amateur leagues who are curious what it feels like to clean themselves out.

Over the holiday break I received an email from a company called Aussie Healthco. This is a company I mentioned in my Christmas Wishlist because I saw an enema kit there that looked like it was worth trying. In this fateful email, they offered to send me a sample kit that included both their enema bag and bulb kit for my honest review. Being the kind of person I am (impulsive and excitable) I leapt at the chance. A few more emails and a few days later, I received the Premium Purity Non-Toxic Transparent Silicone Enema Bag Kit and the Clear and Cleanable 7oz Enema Bulb Anal Douche Kit. These names are SUPER LONG so I’m just gonna refer to them as the enema and the bulb.

aussie health co product photo — The enema bag in question. Fancy eh?

The bulb isn’t really anything special apart from the stainless steel tip. Now this I like quite a bit as sterilizable material is always good when you’re doing something internal, and especially when it’s anal. However, it generally feels like another anal bulb I tried a while ago. Lying on my back, I gently inserted the tip, squeezed the bulb and was rewarded with a whoosh of water in my ass. The sensation was fine, nothing notable either pleasure or pain-wise. I wish the bulb were also silicone so that I could dump the whole thing in a pot and boil it but that’s the case for many enema bulbs on the market. In short? This is like many others, but the clear aspect is kind of neat so it’s worth doing. Also, the ad copy on the website is a little interesting. The website uses the term ‘opaquely clear’ which is…not how we use the language. It’s clear what the website intended to convey, which is the translucency of the material, but it is an odd way to do it. Might I gently suggest a copy editor?

The real highlight of the afternoon was the enema bag. OH BOY. I struggled with this thing like NOBODY’S BUSINESS. First there was sanitizing it in boiling water, and struggling to clean the tubing and then slowly learning how to put the thing together. It took the better part of an hour to do this. Suffice to say? Read the instruction manual. It is invaluable.

It took several tries to get the enema bag to co-operate with me. First of all, filling the enema bag was a little tricky. It might be easier with a bucket, but as all I had was a sink, I made do. I held open the silicone bag, filled it with water and…then all the water came squirting out the other end, spraying wildly. Cussing viciously, I threw the spraying end in the bath tub. After adjusting the clamp, who’s design I dislike, I finally managed to lube the tip and get it into my ass. Then, releasing the clamp I felt water flood my guts nigh instantly. I lay on my back, knees on my chest and panting like I was running a marathon because that water was filling me way too fast and my belly starting feeling cold and cramped. The desire to empty myself was close to INSTANT. In my opinion? The clamp ought to be easier to adjust. It operates via slotting in the edge to the grooves and using that to hold pressure against the tubing. HOWEVER. It isn’t adjustable to slowly decrease pressure. You can slowly increase it for sure, but sliding it back a setting is pretty damned impossible. Queue a long and difficult time in the bathroom. Also, lukewarm water might’ve helped, as I now realize cold water contributed to the discomfort.

Voiding myself felt very odd. It was all the sensation of having food poisoning without any of the typical nausea. My body still has memories of a bad brisket that I ate so PERHAPS there was some residual trepidation on my part there but otherwise it was fairly inoffensive. The only problems happened with the enema kit was with being unable to fill and control the water flow. That led to much unnecessary spraying of water all around my bathroom. And made me feel filthy. First time enema users, prepare to rinse off after. You might be like me and need a good rinse after using an enema.

In all, it seems like the enema will be a thing of practice. I’m willing to give another shot in a few weeks so that my gut flora will recover, but for now? Chalk this up as another wet and wild Liz misadventure.

Reviews

So I love a guy that’s actually 5 guys stitched together: Lust Arts Frank’s Monster Review

Ah, there you are! Come and sit by the fire. Pour yourself a glass of wine! I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while now. It’s about why I’ve been so quiet lately. So…there’s this dildo I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. It’s girthy, like the girthiest toy I own. It was the first toy with balls I ever owned! It’s made of silicone, a lusciously rendered dual-density toy that is wonderful and body safe. And…it looks like five other dildos stitched together to create the perfect dildo. Meet the Lust Arts Frank’s Monster, a beautiful, monstrous and kinda gnarly looking hunk of a silicone dildo. Lust Arts sent it to me earlier this month for me to review and upon receiving it, I knew I was in for a truly CHALLENGING fuck with the Frank’s Monster. Has any other dildo so changed my masturbatory landscape? Perhaps, but Frank has let me know truly that my vagina can do anything.

FRANK'S MONSTER PRODUCT PHOTO — The Frank’s Monster in the snow.

Frank’s Monster comes in a range of sizes like the rest of Lust Arts’ toys. Ranging from Teaser to Pounder, there’s a Frank’s Monster for beginners and advanced players alike, all in the beautiful mold of the Monster. My Monster came in the Pounder size, and currently clocks in as the biggest (thickest) dildo I own. The largest diameter on the head is 2.2 inches thick, and the largest shaft diameter is 2.75 inches. This dildo has HEFT. I sometimes menace my boyfriend with the Frank’s Monster because it truly is that intimidating. All this girth combined with an insertable length of seven inches makes for a fittingly monstrous member. In other words, if Frankenstein dropped his pants in front of me, I’d expect to see a beast of this magnitude flop out of his Calvin Kleins.

A toy of this magnitude requires significant warm up. The X, The Ruse Jammy, and the Elvira all see use before I dare attempt the Frank’s Monster. That girth is the showstopper, the grand finale. When I attempted to take it before warming up, I found it impossible to achieve penetration. Only after prepping my vagina meticulously can I finally slide the lubed up monster inside. ‘Intense’ is a weak way to describe the feelings that occur when I stuff myself with the Frank’s Monster. ‘Powerful’ is woefully inadequate as well. Perhaps the best description is ‘consuming’. The Frank’s Monster is as richly textured as a tapestry, dotted with nodules, pleasurable stitches and copious amounts of skin folds that all make themselves felt when inserted. I slowly, luxuriously, and deliciously pushed more and more of the toy into me. I felt myself open up as the Frank’s Monster progressively thickened down the shaft. My eyelids fluttered from a mixture of orgasmic pleasure and just a little bit of stretching pain. The Frank’s Monster sent my brain spiraling into fantasies of what it might be like to bang a man with a member this size. And then, because I lean submissive, I was fantasizing about being rather physically dominated by a man with the strength (and body parts) of ten men. With the Frank’s Monster filling my cunt and the Nocturnal bullying my clit, I came so hard that I wouldn’t have noticed if a bus hit me, and then collapsed on my bed.

After luxuriating in the afterglow, I realized then that I had to clean the toy. Some part of me hoped that the Frank’s Monster would just be a quick soap and water scrub and that’s what I did. AHAHAHA. No. Frank’s Monster is rife with texture, and thus holds onto my body fluids like it never wants to give them up. If you give it a rough handjob soap and water cleaning, you will be scraping dried gunk off it later, because it will inevitably make its home in the myriad of crevices. Every man, including my partner, has recoiled from this toy for two reasons. The first, obviously, is the dislike in the aesthetic of the toy. Fair, it’s not for everyone, but I love it. The second is that they worry that cleaning it is a nightmare. This one I kind of agree with. It’s the first time I’ve ever needed to be meticulous with a toy, and that’s what makes it just shy of the perfect showstopper at the end of a masturbation session.

Frank’s Monster is a beast. I adore its aesthetic, its size and the way it feels inside me after I take the necessary hour of warmup. Getting it all the way inside me feels like I’ve just won some kind of slutty medal of honor and I highly recommend it for size royalty who want a side order of texture. HOWEVER. This dildo needs babying in a lot of senses. You need to warm up your orifice of choice a substantial amount for a toy this size and you need to be pretty damned meticulous when cleaning it. If that doesn’t sound acceptable to you, one way to remedy this is to get a smaller and softer dildo. I suggest getting the Frank’s Monster in their Soft density or even doing a Super Soft and Soft dual density toy to ensure comfort and sticking with the Pleaser size. However, Lust Arts does not provide a dildo butler to clean up after you come all over the Monster’s cock (WHICH I WOULD LOVE UGH). Alas, though I personally think the orgasms and the super hot fantasies this toy provokes more than make up for the frustration at the sink.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Lust Arts!

Advice

Red Flags Among Roses: Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Before I met my current partner, I had been in a relationship with a boy in high school and stayed with until college. It was, like many romances were, full of highs and lows. There were elements of laughter. At times, I genuinely felt affection and love for the man I called my boyfriend. The reader, at this point in the introduction can hear a ‘but’ just right around the corner. They know that I am about to reveal that my relationship was not all roses. The reader, as they astutely determined from the predictable intro, is correct.

I wish I had known what was going on much earlier. I wish I had listened to myself when I knew something was wrong. I wish I’d gotten out sooner. To this day, my ex-partner still terrifies and enrages me. He left me with trauma that carried over into my current relationship. ‘I love you,’ spilled from my current partner’s lips one night as we basked in the afterglow. An accidental confession that should’ve been heartwarming instead made me ready to run. I turned my face away, trying to quiet the dread that worked its way through my veins. It is an awful thing that; that the very words ‘I love you’ had been tainted, colored nastily by the trauma of a relationship from before. While I now have a wonderful relationship, it took me a while to take back the phrase ‘I love you.’

I’m by no means an expert on what constitutes a toxic or abusive relationship. Abusers use a manifold of tactics to keep their victims in a relationship. But I can tell you what I noticed in my relationship and hopefully give you something to look for.

Lampshading bad behavior

My ex-partner was not interested in my daily life. When I talked about the things I cared about, my classes or anything at all, he seemed only dully interested at best. And so most of our conversations were dominated by his interests and feelings. He would go on long rants about the things that he cared about and the things that bothered him, and I would do my level best to be a good partner by asking questions and staying active in the conversation. Being at least marginally self aware, he would later notice that we only talked about things he cared about and fall into a guilty spiral, saying he was a bad person for never talking about topics that interested me, a behavior I now know is called ‘lampshading’. This put me on my back foot, and I was falling all over myself to justify why he was actually a good person despite the fact that he didn’t seem to care about my life in any meaningful capacity. He often pointed to his less than supportive behavior and constantly bemoaned the fact that he added nothing good to the relationship. While this demonstrated some self awareness, I know now that it was a tactic to get me to convince myself that it was a good relationship. In this way, he kept me trapped in the nightmare by forcing me to convince myself that I should stay. I was often forced into doing the emotional labor of pretending we were a good couple and coming up with reasons for us staying together.

Hostage holding behaviors

I want to preface this section by saying that I don’t believe mentally ill people are inherently abusive. But that the mere fact of mental illness does not preclude a person’s ability to abuse and manipulate others. The man who I used to call my partner was deeply mentally ill, and that in itself is not a knock against him. However, when he frankly told me that I was all that was keeping him alive and then he tried to break up with me, I couldn’t let it happen. Because previously he had told me he’d kill himself if I weren’t with him, I was now trapped. If I left, I felt like I would be responsible for his death. In a very nasty way, he used my protective nature against me. Claiming that I shouldn’t care what happened to him and breakup whenever I wanted always felt like a hammer blow against my heart because I felt like I wouldn’t live with myself if I did something that would kill him.

Pedestalizing

That man, my ex-partner, also kept me in the relationship by constantly putting me on a pedestal. I was the best, he told me. You’re the only thing that makes me enjoy life, he told me. I love you, he told me. Fed a double dose of validating compliments and his personal narrative of self loathing and suicidal tendencies, he set up a perfect carrot and stick system that kept me in the relationship for a long time. The drug-like compliments kept me complacent and the suicidal ideation made me feel like I had a purpose as well as frightened me with the possibility of being responsible for his suicide if I left. But as we continued in our relationship, I started feeling…claustrophobic. In my mind, if I didn’t keep being perfect, I would be responsible for him when he took his own life after he became disillusioned with me. So in order to keep being this perfect angel of light as he saw me, I stopped arguing with him. Any discomfort, fear or anxiety I felt was put on the backburner in order to preserve the illusion of a wonderful relationship. But I didn’t want to be an angel. I so deeply longed to feel like just an equal.

Dismissal of your own mental health

My ex was and is mentally ill. He was, at the very least, deeply depressed and likely his depression was co-morbid with other, nastier disorders. He hinted as much when he talked to me about going to a mental hospital. This, you might think, would make him uniquely sympathetic of my own depressive tendencies and would give him insight with regards how to comfort me when I went non-verbal or had suicidal ideations. But no. When I confessed that I wanted to die, he yelled at me and told me I would never be forgiven for feeling like that. So I shut up for a long time. When I hit another low point in our relationship and said I was considering suicide once again, he told me that it was likely I wasn’t serious in my desire. Otherwise, he said, you would go out into the woods and cut your own throat. It’s not exaggerating to say that at that point I stopped wanting to die and started wanting to get out and started planning to make my escape from the nightmare my relationship had become.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list of toxic behaviors, these were the most obvious signs that there was something wrong with my relationship. If you notice any parallels between what I’ve described here and with a relationship you’re in, I urge you to confide in someone who cares about you. You might be tempted to rationalize away your partner’s behavior, so frankly confessing it to a third party will make it easier to identify this kind of toxicity.

Listen, you are not a bad person or an idiot if you find yourself in a relationship where you are abused. People are clever and they are tricking you. Your only problem is that no one told you what abuse looked like or how to get out of a toxic relationship. My hope is that people reading this get an idea that abuse can happen without ever coming to blows. I want everyone out there to stay safe. And if they end up with someone as toxic as all this? That they know that their feelings are valid and that getting out is the right choice.

Advice

12 Tips For Winter Masturbation

Winter has finally come for us in America! Temperatures are dropping while our layers of clothing are increasing and we’re passing on our icy lemonades in favor of hot chocolates. The sweaty, exhibitionist days of summer are gone; now we must contend with the long, cold winter nights.

But just because it’s cold doesn’t mean we stop jerking off! FAR FROM IT. Although the cold seems daunting, here are some tips cultivated by yours truly so you can jack off without getting bothered by Jack Frost.

STAY WARM PHOTO — The Nocturnal bullet and the Maestro posed next to my piping hot tea and a scented candle.

Pre-heat your sex toys: If you’re using body safe and waterproof toys, stick those suckers in a bowl of warm water. Some people might be in for a chilly thrill, but for those of us who shy away from frostier sensations, this’ll nix the ambient winter cold. I tell myself I’ve been boiling my dildos so much because I’m hygienic, but it’s also because stuffing myself with a warm dildo is infinitely better than a room temperature one. HOWEVER. If your toy is made from steel, test the warmth on the inside of your thigh before sticking it in your orifice. TRUST ME ON THIS.
Have a good blanket handy: This one is pretty obvious. Jacking off in a blanket nest is something we all do from time to time, but it’s especially essential in the winter. Bonus points if you can score a heated blanket.
Invest in some good socks: Whatever this looks like to you works. Maybe some sexy knit stockings or just comfortable fluffy socks. Cold feet kill my arousal, so having something on makes it easier for me to jerk off!
Masturbate during/after your shower: In addition to pre-heating your sex toys, you can also pre-heat you! Have a hot bath or shower before getting right into it so you can hold on to that heat. Or alternatively, get yourself off in the shower or bath so you don’t have to leave the heavenly warm water at all.
Hydrate with your favorite hot beverage: PAMPER YOURSELF. Have hot cocoa and leisurely masturbate to your favorite porn. Maybe spike it with some schnapps if that’s your thing! Roll out the red carpet for yourself and indulge in some gastronomic and carnal pleasure.
Get physical: Think of it this way, jacking off after exercise during the winter is going to GUARANTEE that you’re warm. That exercise can really be anything, from going for a run to doing some isometric exercise in your living room. Your body heats up and your blood and endorphins are pumping so you’ll feel nice n’ warm! And then after? You reward yourself with an orgasm! BIG WINS ALL AROUND.
Take your time with warming up: Listen, the cold kills my arousal. When I shake off my coat and clothes, most often I’m not going to want to jump to intensive stimulation right away like I would in the hot summer months. Instead, I read some erotica and slowly ease into masturbation like I would a deep stretch. And if I’m using Frank’s Monster, I’LL REALLY BE FEELING THAT STRETCH!
Eat something beforehand: It doesn’t necessarily have to be warm, but the idea is the same as #5. Digestion can make you feel warmer as well as blood is redirected your GI system, and so you’ll feel it in your trunk. Because this is (relatively) close to the genital area, you should feel pretty warm! Also you won’t be hungry when you’re jacking off. Win-win!
Use a strong external stimulator: If you can’t be pried from your pajama pants or long underwear, consider getting something like a wand vibrator to buzz one out! This works best for people with vulvas, but I imagine that it’s certainly possible for people with penises!
Light some candles: Scented candles can cozy your atmosphere right up. In addition to just being nice smelling, the ambience can make you feel comfier!
Don’t skimp on the lube: Yes the lube will probably be kinda chilly, but lube is one of those things that you’ll likely need if you’re doing anything with penetration. Though, I imagine that if you closed the cap on a container of Sliquid and then partially submerged it in warm water you might be able to warm it up. If anyone tries this, let me know how it goes!
Use a plug: For people into anal and who are lazy, a butt plug works great! Pre-heat that sucker and slide one in for your masturbation session. Also, for people with vulvas, there are vaginal plugs out there! Pop one in, drape a blanket over yourself and having something like The Nocturnal buzz one out of your clit for a session with as little movement as possible.

Reviews

The NoFrillDo X Review

The NoFrillDo project was born last year, approximately at the end of November if I’m reading the Indiegogo page correctly. The idea behind it? That body-safe pleasure didn’t have to have a high price tag. The NoFrillDo project came to fruition, cheered on by the sex positive community and gave birth to three designs: The R, The G, and The B. With Funkit’s simple but effective designs and affordable pricing, the world of sexual pleasure became more accessible to those among us who are ballin’ on a budget. So it can be no surprise that the world of the sex positive eagerly awaited the newest installment of the NoFrillDo project. This year, Funkit launched the continuation of the project, bringing in the NoFrillDos X and L, much thicker and longer toys than their comparatively modest siblings. The size captain in me was ecstatic when Kenton decided to send me the delightfully thick NoFrillDo X and I couldn’t wait to put it to the test!

So did this affordable silicone cutie live up to the hype? Did it rock my world and charm my cunt? Well…sort of. The NoFrillDo X is exactly what it seems to be. Kenton was serious about this being a no frills toy. The X doesn’t make an attempt at changing your sexual landscape. If you buy this hoping for revolutionary G-spot pleasure or for new sensations, you’ll find yourself disappointed. But for a budget conscious member of size royalty? This is a fantastic toy to get.

47384380_310571009785928_5560528879199715328_n — The chunky NoFrillDo X in its eye searing, magenta glory.

The NoFrillDo X is a meaty one. At 7 inches insertable and 1.9 inches in diameter cast in shore 20 silicone, this isn’t for someone who is in anyway uncertain about girth. My particular NoFrillDo came in Magenta. Now normally I would never pick this color myself, but it’s hard to hold it against the toy given the bright, cheeriness of the color. Its dimensions are similar to the Jammy, a similarly affordable dildo in a more realistic cast.

The base also deserves some discussion. It’s slanted. Or rather, the base of the toy is still flat, but the base appears askew. It’s like this on all of the toys, so you can rest assured it’s not a defect, but I do wonder about the reasoning behind it. I’ll admit, the unevenness of the base does give me some concerns; there are some Funkit toys that also have some narrow flares that Kenton believes are best served by attaching to another toy to use as a handle. While I don’t think there should be any issue for anal play, I do recommend playing special attention because of the slanted base. Also for harness use, I don’t think this base would be ideal. But for vaginal use? POUND AWAY.

So what to say about the NoFrillDo X in use? Well, it generally feels like a thick, ribbed insertable object. There’s no forgiving squish with the X, it opens you right up. If I’m not peak aroused, then the ribs frankly aggravate my vagina, much in the way that I expected it would; a combination of firmness and ridge prominence makes for an uncomfortable sensation should I try to just stuff myself. It’s the vaginal equivalent of hitting potholes over and over again when driving down the highway, a jarring and uncomfortable experience.

But when I’m aroused? I take the rippling texture of the X just fine. The bumps make themselves known very pleasurably and are pretty stimulating whether I pound away quickly or take my time with long slow strokes. It feels FUCKING GOOD is what I’m saying. There’s no G-spot curve, the toy seems to rely upon the ribbed texture and thickness to create a pleasing pressure, which while it works, it does make me a little wistful. Ah, to have a curve. Even a little one. I use the X for that full feeling that I can’t get from more slender dildos. The X is pretty simple and effective at filling me up and making itself known.

I also use the X after I’ve warmed up and as a warm up of its own. It’s a great warm up toy for the Jammy, The Lust Arts Frank’s Monster, and my own fist. Yes, using the X (in a round about way) allowed me to get warmed up enough that I could fit my whole hand inside my vagina! So while the X can’t exactly take credit for that, it does get an award for being a good assist.

In all, this dildo largely accomplishes what it sets out to do. It’s thick, it fills you up, and it won’t hurt your wallet too much in accomplishing this. For intermediate size royalty members and those of us who love them, this is a good toy to get without breaking the bank. For those looking for more refined dildos with a more ambitious goal than just being filled up? Save your pennies and look elsewhere.

Funkit Toys provided this toy to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Funkit Toys!